Last month was the first time I didn’t write anything up here, and it’s not like the month before that I have anything notable to say either. Today is nearing the end of October and I am still in the campus as an undergrad student, so I guess I have more than a free time to have something to write about.
Now, as I grow up I noticed that grown-ups seemingly have a tendency to not share personal issues in a negative light, for either keeping a professional image or just to avoid flaunting their flaws. Yet our nature as a social being compels us to share thoughts, emotions, ideas — basically anything in their mind, in order to maintain a decent psyche. I, for a lack of a better person to share, vent myself by writing.
I’m no Lemony Snicket, but recently I’ve had my fair share of unfortunate events. Not getting a schedule for the thesis defense, busted laptop, breaking up stuff, et cetera. Most of them are out of my control so I won’t gripe but the effects are what got my attention: that being in a limbo is as unsettling as being down in the dumps. I am being an observer to myself. When you have no clear objective on the days in front of you, suddenly you are hyper-aware to what happens around you and how it affects you. You wake up with no sense of wonder. The world revolves and you stand fixated in a point in space and time. (Not quite literally.) You move, you eat and you interact, but the neurons in your head pulsate the same mood over and over again.
Another interesting thing to note is the overwhelming lack of response to everything. Like flipping a little switch inside the head to turn off the need to react in fear of involuntarily releasing a toxic foul mood to those around you. Even the one closest to you, because s/he is the least of people you would want to be fed up and leave — and because of fear that s/he does not care. You retract inside, you feel alone, and you retract deeper. You resist existing.
And no, it goes beyond the casual advice to “suck it up and deal with it”.